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Introduction
Let’s not judge the child with their behavior. Kids can’t hide their emotions, and they let them go at home or outside.
Kids are kids!!!!! They are still in the learning phase of calming down their emotions and we can’t expect a child to be mature enough all the time. As a mother of 5-year old daughter , i am facing loads of emotional outburst everyday and everyday is a learning phase for ourself in this parenting journey. I would like to share one such incident which has happened few days back, where my daughter had a major emotional wave.
Would you like to know more on the incident and how we have handled ourself ?Please scroll through
What is an emotional outburst and when we get it?
Whenever we feel the failure, whenever our choices are not answered, when we don’t get anything as per our interest, etc. we feel stressed out during such situations, and the emotions comes out like a volcano. We have an emotional outburst and tries to let it go in anyways either by shouting, screaming etc. As an adult itself, we sometimes feel so hard to overcome few situations and shows it upfront but as we get mature enough we try our level best not to hurt anyone or ourselves with our action.
As a child, it is even tough for them to understand and calm down themselves always. They feel failure in many of their work. They tend to show it in many ways, either by screaming, shouting, throwing things etc. They need adult support to understand and calm down themselves.
One such incident happened few days back, and I love to share it with you all.
Emotional incident with kids
- We were setting up the dinner place and arranging the plates. Aditi (my first kid-5 years old) wants to eat on one certain plate, and Karthik (my second kid- 2.5years old) wants the same plate as well. Sometimes, she gives it to him, but sometimes she won’t (Remembering she’s still a child). On that day, she didn’t want to share at all.
- So Karthik took another plate for himself, and she again wanted the new one for herself. In the end, she doesn’t want to give any of the plates to Karthik. She wants him to eat on some other different plate.
- I told her, Aditi, I understand you want the other plate as well. But it is not good to take all the plates for yourself and make him do things of your choice. He also has his own choice, let him have food on this plate today, and we can take turns tomorrow.
- She got frustrated, angry, said whatever emotions, etc., and suddenly pushed the plate aside by saying I don’t want to eat the food. The food was on the ground already.
- Yes!!! I got angry, and I needed a moment to calm myself down. So, I asked her to stay away from the place for a minute until I finished the cleaning. She has started to cry uncontrollably and started to run all around the house.
- Once I became calm, I went to her to talk. The first thing she said was, amma – Am sorry. It was not intentional, and I know it is wrong to push the plate.
- I understand, aditi. You wanted that plate and didn’t get it, so you got frustrated and pushed it. But Is it good to do? We know, getting angry is ok!!! But we need to be careful of the effects. It must not hurt others or ourselves ( we had a friendly family at our place during that time )
- I don’t have any more words beyond this. Because she knows her action is not a good one, but it is the outcome of an emotional breakdown. So, right at this moment, she needs support from my side to calm herself and not the explanation for her behavior. Though she doesn’t understand it was wrong, I won’t explain it right at this moment because a child can’t understand anything when they are under an emotional circle. We hugged, and she stayed with me until Karthik finished his dinner to get the same plate.
Role of gentle parenting
Many questions may arise from this scenario and i would like to share the role of gentle parenting during an emotional outburst.
How can we support a crying child in a gentle way
1. Whether I support my child's behavior?
Nope!!! Whatever she did was wrong, and she said that as well.
2. Why I was not angry and shouted at her?
Instead of looking only at the outcome, I try to look at the underlying reason for her behavior. The reason is the frustration of not getting the plate that she wants.
3. Whether gentle parenting is all about pampering?
No !!! It is all about understanding the reason behind the child’s behavior without judging the child.
4. Do I need to judge my child or tag her as a bar girl?
Never !!!!! She was under emotional breakdown, which needs to be addressed rather than tagging.
5. So whether my parenting style is wrong as my child is not mature enough?
No!!!! Gentle parenting is all about GENTLE PARENTS and not the GENTLE KIDS. Kids are kids !!! And they behave as per their emotions and brain development. It is me as a parent to understand the child and calm her down. Let her learn the calming tools to apply whenever she needs them. And punishments ( Go and stay in the corner, beating, shouting etc.) are not a long-term solution. A 5-year old can’t be mature enough to behave well all the time. If they do so, we can’t call them as kids. They do behave well but can’t always expect.
6. Whether I stay calm always?
I can’t assure because I am a human. But I try my best to do it most of the time because I am a human and mature enough to work on my emotions. But sometimes, i lose my cool and shout when the situation is not in my hand. If i did, i go to her, apologize and explain why it has happened. This happens very rarely though.
7. Whether myself and my husband are always in the same boat of parenting?
I can’t say, really.Sometimes we both stay at different place he was super angry with her behavior on that day.
8. What we do when we are ways apart?
Whomever is calm and gentle right at the moment will take the lead. My husband was okay with certain things, and during that time, he handles the situation and support the child.
9. Can a preschool write 10th grade public exams?
Nope. Because they are still young to do it and their brain is still developing . In the same way, they can’t handle their emotions and behave mature enough as their brain is developing.
Our main intention is to handle the child gently. Anyone can do it be it a dad or mom. Sometimes we both will stay calm and take turns. Never faced a situation where we both get angry simultaneously as of now.
Summary
Gentle parenting is not about a child being matured enough, well behaved, and listening to us ALL the time. Because gentle parenting is all about PARENTS being gentle and understanding the child rather than pouring our emotions and reacting to the situation. And , when it comes to kids, KIDS are KIDS. With proper communication, kids learn the right things. Our main intention is to raise a valuable human being who questions back and stands up for themselves by handling emotions.